Ministry and Family???

I am elated to be a wife and a mommy!! I have been eating up these two new roles; learning how to shuffle it all you know. But, recently I have begun to long for ministry outside of my dear family. This month Micah and I spent a weekend at Angel's House. I cried most of the night as I thought through each kid that came knocking on our bedroom door. I reminisced into the wee hours of the morning. I questioned why we quit working as house parents in this children's home that I so dearly love. I miss the cleaning, cooking, blowdrying the girls' hair, tucking them in at night, bribing them to get out of bed for school with hot chocolate, comforting them as they are throwing up all night with a virus, being the one they run to when they have a nightmare... I had no idea returning would be so emotional for me.

This week I was asked if I could return again to help out Monday through Thursday. This time it was just me and Lydia. Micah had to stay in Bremen to work. My working at Angle's House would provid him with time to work on raising support and to do some hang out on the college campus. Micah has the best gospel conversations on the college campus. I thought the first few times were special, but I am left worshiping the Lord as He continues to make His name known through Micah time and time again!!

Well, back to my week.... I do not do well staying the night apart from my sweet husband, so I came home to sleep Mon and Tues night. Wed night Lydia and I stayed at Angel's house. My week there was such a joy!!! I so enjoy spending time with the residents we currently have. They were out of school the whole week, so we were able to have lots of fun! We went to the gym and indoor pool everyday! We ate out, stayed up late talking, and slept in. I enjoyed cleaning up some of the rooms at the house that had been turned upside down by previous residents. It was overall a great week for me. I was giddy with excitement!

Then I prepared to return home. I think I immediately had an underlying guilt as I returned to my husband. Why can't I love this week of serving Angel's House without feeling guilty. Had I neglected my role as a wife? Am I too immature to take on anything more than my family. Micah can so easily spend his time pouring himself into others and then return home. I on the other hand .... Well, I don't know?

Thursday we ate dinner at Roy and Kristy's with our team. It was wonderful. But again I felt I was Micah's wife and Lydia's mother. I felt my connection to the team is merely through Micah. My connection to ministry is through Micah. Today as I have been praying through the events of this week many things came to mind. The Lord may have me in a season of preparation. Giving myself to the Lord, my husband, and my daughter are my first priorities! I may need this season to focus on those three in that order. I see pride and selfishness in my desire to be the one on the front lines. Feeling like my behind the scenes role is not good enough. May the Lord continue to deal with my heart. I want to long for the things of the God, His Kingdom and His Righteousness. I find my motivations are often for intrinsic reward and for selfish reasons. This week I was tempted to see Micah as a hinderence to my desires to work at Angel's House. I was also tempted to believe that the residents and staff at Angel's House need me. They need the Lord, not me. Oh if I could just trust His provision for them. Emotionally I long to be there, but realistically I am fully behind Micah's descision to leave. There were numerous reasons to leave, but what tops it all is the Lord's calling to leave.

Please pray that I would trust the Lord with where He has me right now. That I would see being a wife and a mother as a significant ministry. That I would be about my husband and the things the Lord has called him to right now. Pray for our support raising process. That the Lord would raise our support quickly. The transition is beginning to become more and more difficult as our team prepares to leave and we are still working to get there. Oh how we long to be in SE Asia together with our team. Pray that Micah would stay strong despite my sin which affects him in so many ways. I write all of this that my faults may be known, that the Lord may recieve all Glory and Honor and Praise!!

In His Grace,
Blair