In Spain, Ray Cortez was the speaker. Each talk he explained the scriptures and was open about his own sin and the struggle of pastors/missionaries. Often it is assumed that ministers of the gospel have it all together and that they are the Christians that do not struggle with sin to the same degree as those outside the ministry. Ray has spent a lot of his time in ministry suffering from a great amount of anxiety. Along with hearing the many real and honest confessions of a pastor came the reminders from scripture that grace is towards the wicked and the sinful only. Peter, after walking with Jesus, became so full of self-confidence in his own ability to follow after Christ that he swore that he would never deny Christ. Ministers of the gospel give there lives for the gospel and then assume that they would not deny Christ in this way or that way because they have left everything to follow Christ. This is often the most dangerous position to be spiritually. The Lord in his providence planned that I would be sick the first three or so days of the conference. So I skipped some of the meetings to get some extra rest. This allowed me to meditate on the messages that were given and the grace of God over my own life. Through these quiet moments of prayer I realized that I have been blinded by my sinfulness and a pattern of sin in my life. The Lord has opened my eyes to the fact that I am self-righteous in my view of my own sin. I have a strong tendency to blame shift and to play the victim. When Blair is having a hard day I blame my lack of love towards her and my anger towards her on her. If Lydia is clingy or moody I blame her for my anger or lack of giving her attention. Especially last month I have struggled to be involved in ministry and pursue the Lord’s calling in my life. I have blamed this on our team because they have not told me exactly what to do. In my struggle with lust I have tended to blame the women who are dressed with a lack of modesty. My own discontentment is blamed on the difficulty of my circumstances. The freedom of being able to confess with Paul that “for in my inner being I delight in God’s law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Romans 7:22-25. Notice how much emphasis is put on how sin comes from within and from our bodies not from without. But if we acknowledge that all our junk comes from within us then we will be driven to despair. However this is just not true if we look to Christ, we will find greater freedom and greater joy in His work and His accomplishments through His life and His death.
Blair has been learning in a similar vein that she expects from others what she does not give. Our team leader Phil came down with a serious illness and we were with his wife as she was first getting the news on our way to Spain. Blair realized that she did not respond in an uplifting and supportive way to Barb. She realized that it was not just a single act of not being there for her sister in Christ, but that it was her sinfulness that repeatedly kept her from being what people needed. It was who she was, it was something so deep inside that put her at a distance from people in her life. All the while she had been focusing on how our team has not been what we have needed them to be. At the conference Blair was brought to her knees and a deep agony over her own sinfulness in this area. It was an emotional and hurtful time as we together began to realize that we are loved by Christ even and actually only as sinners. To deny we are miserable sinners is to deny that we need Christ. Hope, joy, and worship are now beginning to emerge out of us as we see Christ in His victory over sin and darkness.
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